DINERS, DRIVE-INS, AND DISMEMBERMENT

This is a Bloodborne thing. If you don’t play Boodborne, you may not get it. I don’t play Bloodborne. I don’t get it.

-ed.

 

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. All resemblances to celebrity chefs living, dead or undead is imaginary, or has been placed in the mind of the reader by an unholy parasite from beyond the walls of sleep.

 

A BLOOD-SOAKED JOURNEY ALL THE WAY TO FLAVORTOWN

by Guy Fear-ieri

 

Hey there, exotic food fans! Guy Fear-ieri here, ready to WOW your taste buds with more foods from fun, new places! Last time we hit Raccoon City for a taste of sweet, sweet T-virus steaks! “Resident Evil”? More like Residents of FLAVORTOWN, am I right? Gimme that air-horn! Hell, yeah!

 

                “We needed new outfits, just to get through the gates. ‘When in Rome, do as the deranged locals do!’”

 

Anyway, here we are in beautiful gothic Yharnam! You may notice, Yharnam locals ain’t too friendly. That’s because their special blood-based recipes are to die for! If they told you Grandma’s secret paleblood-pudding recipes, they’d have to kill you! I mean, they’ll probably kill you anyway, but you get my drift!

Okay, first stop is Central Yharnam. They’ve got this great main street, full of delis older than the human race! Everything’s closed for the big “Hunt” tonight, but hey, we can still find something to sink our teeth into! Are you with me? Great! Let’s do this!

Right off the bat, we’ve hit taste-bud jackpot. The Cleric Beast is a local staple. One part cleric, one part beast, this guy is best served sliced-and-diced! We had to do some of the slicing ourselves, but around here that’s just part of the fun!

                               “Excuse me, sir, do you taste better medium-rare, or medium-well?”

 

With Cleric Beast down, it’s time to hop over to Cathedral Ward. This area’s kept under guard by Big Daddy Gascoigne, a man after my own heart. He doesn’t just cut his meat—he SHREDS it like an animal! The dude’s hardcore! Sucks we had to bash him to death with our stale French bread, but that’s how the cookie crumbles, here in Yharnam.

The Cathedral Ward is home to big Church dudes who love to tenderize visitors with a long stick! They don’t say much, but in my kitchen, sometimes silence is golden! There’s also a short fella looking for “survivors” out here. I’m sure he means survivors of the transcendent experience of the local dining scene! There are surprisingly few, for some reason.

… Man, it’s getting really dark. Can we put some lights up? Maybe a hand lantern? Thanks, Pablo.

Moving on! Our hot Cathedral delicacy is Vicar Amelia, a mutant dog-creature I’m told has been “preparing” for us to show up. Fantastic! I love it when a restaurant’s got everything ready, saves me trouble. Of course, Amelia doesn’t go down easy. Luckily we picked up some Fire Paper, for extra-crispy cuts! 

 

                                “Whoops, careful with the boom mike! She’s a bitey one.”

 

Woah, there. Easy girl, easy!

… Yeah, that’s gonna leave a mark. Ouch.

Well, looks like we’ve been horribly killed! That’ll happen sometimes. No worries, a creepy doll with a bonnet has us resurrected in a jiffy! She probably doesn’t eat much, since she’s a doll, but we’ll bring back a treat for her anyway. Maybe One Third of an Umbilical Cord, or something.

“What’s that? ‘Please kill’ you? Honey, you’re gonna be WISHING you were dead once these Blood Burritos get through your system! Am I right, guys? Jesus, my digestive tract feels like an Auschwitz dumpster. I should really see a doctor.”

 

Once we’ve brought down Amelia, we’re a step closer to Flavortown. By now you might be asking, ‘Guy Fear-ieri, why come to Yharnam at all? There’s no sun, the locals are cranky, and their blood-martinis are way too expensive!’ Well, let me tell you something. For years, you’ve been treating my precious Flavortown like a silly joke, re-tweeting memes about it and having a good laugh… Mocking me, deriding my legacy.

But I’ll show you all.

Flavortown is REAL—I’ve seen it, in my dreams! Paleblood Pastrami is out there, the ultimate lunch meat, and we’re gonna find it! The glorious light of gastronomic truth is waiting! Did I just hear you doubting me? DID I?

 

                                            “BECAUSE MY PIZZA CUTTER SURE DID.”

 

… Right, sorry. Where was I? Yeah, the next district! You can hit up Hemwick Charnel Lane for some barbecue if you want, but the hidden blood-gem of this town is called Byrgenworth, out by the lake! To get there, we have to go through something called the “Forbidden Woods.” I know, sounds like a failed Disney ride or something, right? Trust me, I wouldn’t bring my kids here—too many chain restaurants, and they all use frozen meat. Disgusting! Lucky for us, three guys known as the Shadows of Yharnam are here too, waiting to show us their special flame-broil technique, for snakemeat. Yowza!

 

“We’re drowning in local culture, out here! Seriously, I’m choking on blood. Make it stop. MAKE THE BLOOD STOP.”

 

And finally we’re at Byrgenworth! Legend says it was once an amazing culinary school, before the head chef delved too deeply in Flavors Man Wasn’t Meant to Know, and turned his students into spider soufflés. If you ask me, that’s a small price to pay for getting closer to Flavortown! We’re so close now, my dudes. So close I can almost… taste it…

                             “Wait, that’s my arm, isn’t it? Pablo, did I start chewing on my arm again? Be honest with me.”

 

The main course here is Rom, the Vacuous Spider. She already looks like a honey-glazed ham, so it’s not really a stretch to make her delicious. But beware—cooking a Great One ain’t easy! It takes careful footwork, a bomb hammer, and some quicksilver bullets to do the job right. Now when cooking a Rom, watch out for brood-spiders—they have a tendency to get in the way. Once you’ve tenderized your Rom, give her a few sizzles with the fire-hammer, and step away. I know it’s tempting to keep smacking and smacking until the Good Blood gushes everywhere, but just let her cook. Arcane crystals may rain on your head here, but trust me, it’s worth it!

Once your Rom is done… crap, we’ve overcooked her and now our universe is unravelling. This happens when you overcook a Rom. On the plus side, now we’ve got a whole new area of town to explore—it’s called Y’hargul, the Unseen Village! I wonder what kind of tender, juicy human flesh… I mean, ‘comfort food,’ is lurking out here!

Tune in next time for Blood-Starved Jerky, and my personal take on Dark-Beast Paarl Burger. Just for fun, we’ll also see what happens when I chop off and slow-roast my own hand! Haha, just kidding, folks. We’ll use the Doll’s hand. It’s not like she needs two of them.

                                 “What? You do? Okay, we’ll take a foot, then. That’s show biz for you!”

 

Tune in on the next episode of… DINERS, DRIVE-INS, AND DISMEMBERMENT!